Mark Twain may be the most-beloved of American humorists. His aphorisms have gone down in history as some of the cleverest things ever uttered. Here is a sampling:
-- Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.
-- In America -- as elsewhere -- free speech is confined to the dead.
-- Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to you, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
-- [Twain was inveterate cat lover, and had many, many in the Connecticut home of his later years.] One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
-- Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
-- I may not doubt that society in heaven consists mainly of undesirable persons.
-- Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
-- As long as you are in your right mind don't you ever pray for twins? Twins amount to a permanent riot; and there ain't any real difference between triplets and a insurrection.
-- What a world of trouble those who never marry escape! There are many happy matches, it is true, and sometimes "my dear," and "my love" come from the heart; but what sensible bachelor, rejoicing in his freedom and years of discretion, will run the tremendous risk?
-- Golf is a good walk spoiled [quote attributed to Twain, but not substantiated].
-- How unfortunate and how narrowing a thing it is for a man to have wealth who makes a god of it instead of a servant.
-- Of all the kinds of sexual intercourse, [masturbation, known as "onanism" in Twain's time] has least to recommend it. As an amusement it is too fleeting, as an occupation it is to wearing; as a public exhibition there is no money in it. It has, in our last day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence--among the best bred these two arts are now indulged only in private--though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo upon the fundamental sigh.
-- And my personal favorite:
Twain's wife, Olivia, was a devout Christian who objected to her husband's frequent use of profanity. Once, to let him know how bad it sounded, she let loose with a string of swear words. Momentarily taken aback, twain stared at her then said, "Olivia, you may know the words, but you don't know the tune."
-- Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.
-- In America -- as elsewhere -- free speech is confined to the dead.
-- Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to you, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
-- [Twain was inveterate cat lover, and had many, many in the Connecticut home of his later years.] One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
-- Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
-- I may not doubt that society in heaven consists mainly of undesirable persons.
-- Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
-- As long as you are in your right mind don't you ever pray for twins? Twins amount to a permanent riot; and there ain't any real difference between triplets and a insurrection.
-- What a world of trouble those who never marry escape! There are many happy matches, it is true, and sometimes "my dear," and "my love" come from the heart; but what sensible bachelor, rejoicing in his freedom and years of discretion, will run the tremendous risk?
-- Golf is a good walk spoiled [quote attributed to Twain, but not substantiated].
-- How unfortunate and how narrowing a thing it is for a man to have wealth who makes a god of it instead of a servant.
-- Of all the kinds of sexual intercourse, [masturbation, known as "onanism" in Twain's time] has least to recommend it. As an amusement it is too fleeting, as an occupation it is to wearing; as a public exhibition there is no money in it. It has, in our last day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence--among the best bred these two arts are now indulged only in private--though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo upon the fundamental sigh.
-- And my personal favorite:
Twain's wife, Olivia, was a devout Christian who objected to her husband's frequent use of profanity. Once, to let him know how bad it sounded, she let loose with a string of swear words. Momentarily taken aback, twain stared at her then said, "Olivia, you may know the words, but you don't know the tune."
